Post #9: 1st Draft
Put Me in Coach, I'm Ready to Play!: The Story of Girls and Little League Baseball
Since files cannot be uploaded to this blog unless they are already located elsewhere on the web or on another server, my draft should be posted shortly by Professor Petrik on her website in the student section here.
posted by Keith @ 3:20 PM
1 Comments:
I thought this was a rather well written paper. You were not repetative, and the flow of the narration was good. You used a lot of supporting evidence from a wide variety of sources, and did a good job of weaving the personal stories together with the overall issues being discussed.
For imporvement I only have a few structural issues, as the research and writing style are good. First, in the first paragraph after your initial quote you start the paragraph with, "The above quote is a girlhood recollection from 1958." Though there is a mention of who the recollection belongs to in the footnotes, I think an in-text mention of her name is necessary.
Second, The thesis statement might be reworded a bit to eliminate a few of those commas. Maybe something like: "Little League was a wide reaching and deep-rooted social institution, and as such despite heirarchical resistance, could not help but change to reflect the changing social attitudes of American society."
One part of the narration I thought was a bit off was after you have the quote from "Tubby" on page 3, you begin the next paragraph with "Back in 1974" as though you are speaking from today. The narration leading up to it is speaking from the forties and into the fifties, but then you say "Back in 1974". The next paragraph you are talking about "Tubby" the fifties again. My suggestion would be to change the sentence before the quote to: "“Tubby” was the nickname Kathryn Johnston, now Kathryn Massar used back in 1950, when she tucked her hair up..." and then begin the next paragraph with simply, "In 1974,.." (I don't know if that is grammatically correct it just sounds better to me)
That's really all I can say, otherwise the paper is well written and well researched. You took a good amount of time in the final few pages to tie in social issues with your topic of Little League. Good paper. I didn't know we were supposed to assign grades, but if we have to: B+/A-
Post a Comment
<< Home